Friday, December 18, 2009

The Picky Foreman

'Swing your hammer high to low' the forman said to I.

'You miss the nail with every blow!' he shouts and squints his eyes.

'I haven't got the training yet!' I said to save my case- 
but just in time 
I crossed the line
and hammered on his face.

'You've broken me you foolish knave!' He shouted as he fell.

'You asked for it you piece of shit- Ill see your ass in hell!'

He shot up from the ground with a chisel in his hand

and screamed to me 'My boy you'll see Ill take what makes you man!'

He chased and chased me up and down, cross scaffolds low and high,

I looked behind and saw the hatred welling in his eyes.

' You know Ill kill you hammer man- Ill hang you from a tree!'

he then sped up in a wild attempt to swiftly slaughter me.

But quick I acted- swung around and made him ring a tune

From that day forth the picky Forman lived his life a loon.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

This Rhythm Never Fails

She wobbles when she walks and mutters when she talks,
The boys in blue,
They saw it fit,
To throw her wrists in locks.

'What is this!'
She makes a fist,
And hiccups fumes of booze.

'You screaming drunk'
Get in the trunk! 
This time we win- you lose.'

An hour later,
An elevator,
Now she's in the jail.

She drank too much,
Now she's fucked,
This rhythm never fails.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Andy You Sonofabitch- 2/?

The second my eyes shut, my mind opened up to that crooked world- where the strangest things never get questioned.

I was in some bar, not a very big joint. The bar was about 5 seats long. There was a dance-floor but as is the case in dreams it was only a dance floor half the time. Sometimes I would look over my shoulder and there were tables. With people. Didn't strike me as odd. The bar tender was in a very involved argument with what at first appeared to be a patron but I came to know (somehow) this man owned the place. The bar girl was crying and pounding the bar but no one was distracted from their beers. No one spoke to each other or made any eye contact. 

The next thing I knew I was in a booth with the Bar girl. She was no longer crying but angry. Furious even. We had food and I couldn't see the bar anymore. The dance-floor was tables.

'What did he do?' I asked. I was confused. I knew as much as I can relate about the situation now as I did at this point in the dream. She began yelling at me and slamming the table.

the slamming got very loud.

I awoke to Mary wildly jerking at the handle on our dresser's top drawer. It had a tendency to stick. 

'Fuckin drawer.' She muttered not yet seeing my open eyes. Mary had been bitter for months. She had played the piano her whole life and was now unable due to unyielding arthritis in her wrists and fingers.She could hardly straighten her fingers to reach the keys and it killed her. My Mary wouldn't come to any performances I was involved in stating she couldn't watch other people hang this sort of thing in front of her face while she withered and died. Her attitude wasn't always so dark, and she wasn't dying. She was however changing.

'Good-morning.' I offered. She looked down at me.

'Are you ever going to fix this?' She asked wincing her face and rubbing a sore tangled hand.

'Yeah. I'll do it today.' I replied. I wasn't surprised this was how the day was starting. It was becoming normal. I missed Mary.

She left and I closed my eyes. I didn't sleep I just imagined her playing 'As Long as I Live' in our living room, on a piano that now sleeps all day.

Andy You Sonofabitch- 1/?

' Andy you sonofabitch I ought to kill you! ' My wife shouted at me. I was still in the doorway.     'We aint got the cash to buy another trumpet Andy!' She had forced me to explain why I had come home so late, after the show. I told her all about my run in with the thugs and everything that happened. The story was dotted with her interjections- ' You fool' or 'Your a moron, you don't know shit Andy!'. By the time I had finished the damn thing I was half frozen. It was 3AM and the snow had started to fall again. If I had been sober I might have succumbed to the shakes and never finished my story. She would have let me freeze. Luckily Bunny was generous and shared his bottle in the car.

'Look I had no choice but to leave it, we woulda been shot!' I pleaded. I had been begging like this far too often. ' Mary you gotta know Im tellin' ya the truth. Ill find a way to get a new trumpet.'. Her father had fronted us the money for the trumpet after I played a few bars of 'Till we meet Again' at his 50th anniversary, A month before Mary and I were to be wed. He was tossed and in a good mood. Forking over the cash directly from his pocket he made me swear I would pay him back when I was on the radio. Now I was on the radio, making little more than a dollar a week, and had no trumpet. Mary took it as a personal affront on the man.

'Bastard.'

'Baby.'

I made it inside and into the bed. 'fuck' I thought.

I passed out and watched my brain's confusion try and work things out.Dreams.




Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Weekly shit

Caring is the human weakness of the week.
In any way we could use the word- Its a human malfunction.

This caring leads to our worry.

Protection.

Paranoia.

Missiles,

And an unfortunate way to live.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Medicine

C, E7 , A minorx 2, d7, g-g7.


everytime she turns i miss those eyes
everytime she blinks i just dont know where they could go
she pulls the blanket made of perfectly white snow.
she feeds the man who thinks shes medicine.
Just a spoonfull at a time. His senses weaken as she, feeds him wine.
and she knows he cant escape- hes got to stick around for more
and he knows he cant get up he couldnt make it through the door
if he tried hed break his legs and ask for more.
solo
and she knows he cant escape- hes got to stick around for more
and he knows he cant get up he couldnt make it through the door
if he tried hed break his legs and ask for more.
Every move she makes it drives me wild
every step she takes could be a mile
when she walks the other way, back to from where she came
every word she says leaves me wide open
all the things ive done the things ive broken
but she offers him her shoulder for a place to shed his tears.
masive attack dev portis

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Christmas with Bunny Berigan- 2/2

I had been a Devoted Bunny Berigan fan for the year prior to my falling into his circle of friends. I too was a trumpet player and was at the time being represented by the same man who set Berigan up with his first band. At a dinner with the band leader Abe Lyman (also someone who's work I had followed) I was invited to see Berigan play at a banquet for 'Chicago's Best' As Lyman put it. We had differing definitions of the word 'best' it turned out. 

I showed up early and didn't feel right without a drink in my hand. There was an opeining act playing upbeat versions of Christmas songs and a couple old timers dancing along. The floor was for the most part an empty thing. An hour and 3 glasses of wine later the hall had filled up. There were all sorts of famous bodies positioned on center amongst vast audiences.

'Hows the new film?'  I'd hear an eager fan shout toward some Director.

'It has been more than a good year my friend' Laughs some wealthy, lucky mustachioed to his tax bracket.

I kept to myself except the necessary hellos to my manager and his entourage. An hour and 2 glasses later I was standing in a room with a bunch of villains. 'These types break fingers, I can't get my fingers broken! the trumpet!' I worried, knowing Bunny was blowing freely- un- threatened under the same roof. Bastard.

'So' The crook at the table began. By this time the other tough guys in the room seemed less threatening. They were drunk and red faced. Smiling. ' We got a guy watchin' the car, Gordy's his name.' 

'HAH! Gordy!' A pimply string bean shot out.

'Poor basterd!' The bear with the booze called, swigging his bottle.

'What you're going to do is give him a scare. You ever use a gun kid?' The Crook said. He grabbed a shooter off the table. I had somehow missed it.

I nod.

' Just go out there' He starts, laughing to his boys. ' And take a couple shots near his feet. He'll lose it!' They all laughed. 'H'ell loooose it!' The Crook repeated banging the table. He extended the gun to me and I could feel my eyes widen. I probably looked like a kid to them.

'So, just shoot the ground by his feet and...take off?' I asked trying to make sure I wasn't about to make a mistake with the Mob.

They all laughed.

'Yeah yeah thats it kid HAHAHAHA' The Bear called raising his bottle.

I grabbed the gun and slid it down into my jacket pocket. I wasn't about to say no to these guys. No way. I was there wipping boy now. I guess Gordy was really the sucker but what did I care. I knew he wasn't getting shot. I wasn't so sure my night would end well. 'They're drunk and happy' I assured myself. 'Holidays, no beatings on holidays.' I repeated.


I opened the cursed door that had landed me in all this trouble and re-entered the Banquet Hall. The place was loud and buzzing. Berigan had gone off stage. There would be a charity raffle and a speech, then another set By the Bunny Berigan band. I pushed through the crowd shaking my head, trying hard to wish away this ridiculous predicament. By the time I had made it to the door I was shaking. Shooting at Mobsters was something my mother never needed to warn me of. It was dumb and that was clear to see.

I walked out the back door where the parking lot was and took the cold. As if I wasn't trembling enough. My eyes snapped from corer to corner searching for my man, Gordy. There was someone in an overcoat with the collar up drinking from a flask and leaning on the outside wall of the Banquet hall. I figured him a drunk and didn't worry he would notice I was the shooter. 'I really don't need this.' I worried. 'Not good PR' 

I spotted who I took to be Gordy leaning on a mercedes. He was defiantly skittish which  was about all the description I was offered. 'Fuck it' I muttered to myself. I walked briskly over to where he stood. He was looking at me the whole time. 'Great start'.  I pulled the gun about ten feet from him.

BAM 

BAM

BAM

I let 3 go into the ground in-front of the sucker. I did feel a bit tough for a second until I saw he had a shooter of his own. 

'Die fucker!' Gordy shouted. 

'Oh Fuck!' I shouted back turning tail and beginning toward the Hall again. Fast. Gordy let 2 more go before I reached the door. I saw them hit the wall on either side of the entrance and nearly lost it. He wasn't too bad of a shot. I grabbed the handle to the door and twisted. The handled spun but the door would not budge. Gordy shoots again- into the door now. There was screaming inside. 'Shit! They heard and barred the door!' I realized. I looked to my left and the drunk had jumped behind a car in-between the Hall and a majority of the parked cars. Two steps, a tumble and I was next to him, crouched. He was planted ass-first in the snow sucking his flask furiously. When the drunk pulled it away from his face I could see who it was. 

Fuckin' Bunny Berigan. Drinking in the cold.

'Shit- I'm a huge fan' I shout out a hand to shake.

'What the hell did you do kid!?' Bunny said angry.

'Its hard to expla--' I started but was interrupted by a bullet shattering the windshield of the car we hid behind.' I got tied up with some-' I tried to explain again.

'Forget it it kid. Look, I don't want to be caught out here, I aint' supposed to be drinkin' you see? I also don't want my ass shot off so lets take this car and get the fuck out of here eh?' Bunny demanded as he screwed the cap on his flask.

I nodded.

'Im gonna fuckin' end you ya sonofabitch!' Gordy called from behind some luxury car. I peaked out and could see he was taking blind shots now.

'Now! lets go!' I said starting up and pulling Bunny with me. He was drunk and heavy. I had sobered up quickly. About the time I was handed the gun I ceased being drunk. I peaked in the car we were behind, the keys were inside. Bunny Climbed through to the passenger side and I got in the driver's seat. I twisted the keys, stomped my foot and we fishtailed our way out onto the icy street. After some sliding I gained control and we were safe.

'Fuckin holidays' Bunny shrugged once again opening his flask.

'Fuckin Bunny Berigan' I Added. 


Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Christmas with Bunny Berigan- 1/2.

Having a head thick from wine, and a bladder heavy- I opened once again, the wrong door.

'Oh dear that aint the restroom!' A bar girl shouted as I opened the lost door. With no name. The entrance to the bathroom was about 5 steps to the left and marked only with a small gold plate.
'This place is for drunks- wheres the logic in a plate so Goddamn small.'   I thought, Defending my dignity from the part of my mind taunting: 'Your a stumbling moron'

I had opened the door much wider this time. Some excessive display of strength on account of the wine had cause me to swing the damn thing clear to the wall- exposing not a restroom but a dimly lit den filled with people who looked busy. Who looked unhappy to see me again.

They remembered me from an hour before, when I had opened their door the first time. I knew it- in the half second it was open- I had to stop fucking around and make my ass invisible. Almost exactly one goddamn hour later I'm standing there looking 13 or so tough guys,  dressed to the 9's, directly in the face. 

'Just shut the door fella-' The bar girl said seeing what I saw. Her voice was no longer the bar girl voice but the sincere voice you'd think of when recalling a close friend in a desperate situation. She was scared so I began to fear them even more.

The music from the other side of the hall had no problem reaching our back corner and adding a frantic touch to everything. Bunny Berigan rang in our ears and happy tunes were turned to a sort of mocking dirge. Russian Lullaby- the song of the vulture.

One of them spoke ' No no, you come on in and shut that thing behind ya.' He was certainly calm about things. I started forward without even trying. 

'Oh no Oh no,' The Bar girl shook as she hurried away.

The door shut behind me and turned off Berigan's music. Now it was Helen Ward on record, A strange choice for a room full of tough guys. This got me laughing, on account of the nerves.

'So your happy to join us then little Joe?' Offered one of the suits at a table in the center of the room. He wore criminal all over him .He stunk and looked liked diamonds all at once. His smile was crooked and his teeth were perfect. Each one of them shone a different shade of white brighter than the last until you could no longer look. The suit could have been stone if it weren't for the way in which it bent to his every bend without resistance- sharp.

I didn't budge for a small twitch in my check making me smile. Possibly the worst reaction I could have conjured and yet the only one I was allowed. On account of the nerves.

' Look fellas! hes smilin!' The crook shouted. They all laughed.

'I'm sorry I keep opening the door- I just-' I started to explain, praying for my life all the while. In my head.

'You're lucky you caught us at Christmas kid! We don't deliver beatings until after the holidays' He interrupted. I gulped.

'We don't?' A huge and clearly drunk bear of a man on a stool asked smiling, with a bottle of something clear in his hand.

They all laughed.

'You're just gonna have to help us out with our little holiday prank.' The Crook said. "Aint that right boys?'

They all laughed.

I worried.

 

Monday, December 7, 2009

the Power of Faith-4- Brother Isaac

The rain kept pouring on into the night, getting worse maybe, and all at once  Peter's path was drowned by an overflowing creek. What had once been a calmly running stream was now 8 feet wide and rushing just fast enough to knock the boy off his feet.

He stood at the bank of the rapids, hands on his waist with his face askew, twisting to produce some solution tot his problem. The sides of the now quite narrow path Peter was traveling on were of no boon to his plight. To his left was a rocky embankment, almost vertical enough to be considered a cliff. Here the torrent dropped off in an unbounded waterfall. Not peaceful, it was a rush job thrust upon the normally serene setting by a truly blood thirsty storm. 

Peter wondered, 'what hand does my god have in this?' and prayed a moment.

To the right side of the path was a slope nearly as steep as the drop to the left. The slope was covered in a layer of leaves and mud which was now threatening to slide downward onto the trail blocking Peter's way in either direction.

After compiling all of his pros and cons, Peter decided he could risk trying to make it across the mess of a stream. 'If i make it into town tonight I can sleep in the church, start a fire and warm up.' The prospect of a warm fire gave Peter the final push he needed to make his attempt. 

He once again inspected the turbulent aquatic terrain looking for the best way across. It was all basically the same and Peter settled for a full charge across. Straight line. Pushing off of the edge of solid earth with his left foot, his right was shot down into the freezing cold rapids- to his waist. Upon reaching the bottom, his right foot slid immediately from its landing spot on the mossiest of stones. 

Submersion.

Black.

He awoke with water in his nose. This was a feeling he had always dreaded. Such constant discomfort could drive him mad. After coming to terms with the plight of his nose (in what to a perfectly conscious person would seem to be a quarter of a second- to the delirious Peter seemed to be an hour or so) Peter came to be aware of his surroundings. He was not yet warm but was no longer being beaten with the lashes of winter. That devil storm. He was laying down and covered by blankets, he knew this feeling and it lifted his spirits greatly. No longer possessing the fear of opening his eyes and dispelling some dream, he awoke to a warmly light wooden celling. He blinks. His eyes have cleared and in the corner of his newly found vision sits a woman.

'Your alive! Its a wonder!' The woman says. Peter could hear that she was old. He could see her as she stood and hovered over him. She had silver hair and a face shaped like an old vegetable. 
'Ive made you soup, whenever you feel as-though you're able to sit up you ought to have some.' She Began moving away, into the room. ' You're very lucky we found you there! How did you manage to land yourself in the stream?'

Peter spoke with a stifled voice,'I was coming down to deliver a letter. I wanted to make it to town.'

'Well you made it boy, I wouldn't suggest the same rout next time' The old woman replied. 'My husband found you washed up against a rock right near the small bridge leading into town, Over the stream. Said you were just a stranded noodle.' She said followed by a laugh.

Peter sat up to inspect the room and capitalize on warm soup. He was still very cold, keeping with him some of the chill he had accrued floating down the stream. He swung his legs off of the bed in which he was laid to find his feet had no feeling in them. ' Miss-' He called to her, starring at the dead feet. 'My feet don't work.' Peter had grown up fast but this was that childish fear, all consuming and real.

'Don't worry, they have to warm up slowly, soon well put them in warm water.' The Old Woman picked up the soup and started toward Peter. ' Now why were you coming down again? Do you come from the Monastery? Awfully young, Do you come from there?' She sounded genuinely interested.

' Yes that is where I'm coming from' Peter said not caring, accepting the soup in his hands, and with all of his mind. This was his focus. It was probably too hot for normal hands to hold, the woman used a rag, but Peter cupped the bottom without a wince. There was no spoon so he sipped from the bowl. It warmed him instantly and his face went flush.

'My son is stuck up in that damned monastery on some tangent. The menace conducting that operation ought to be hung.' The woman said. Peter did not flinch but continued with his soup. ' How did they steal you away eh?' She asked cocking her head.

Peter looked up.' Well my parents were killed so I was sent to there to live. It really isn't so bad.' And for what Peter knew, it wasn't.

'We couldn't pay our proper tax on account of the hard times so they took our boy. Said he had to work doing labor for that monastery for a year. At the end of the year that Cardinal had him thinking he was on a mission from god. Now they call him Brother'

Peter looked up from his bowl.' What was his name, there's a chance I know him. I know a lot of the Brothers up there.' Finishing and taking another sip. 

'They call him Brother Isaac.' She said sitting on the bed beside Peter. ' He is Brother Isaac now. That Cardinal changed him somehow. Got into his head. Better hope he hasn't gotten into yours. You really ought to leave that place.You can stay with us. We have raised a boy before.'
She leaned in. She wanted a son again.

Peter forced the sip of soup down his now clenched and nervous throat. This was the mother of that poor wino who killed himself. He looked over at his jacket resting by the wood oven, knowing inside was the death notice of this sweet woman's son. He knew she deserved to know but did not want to be the one to tell her.

The sound of the rain grew louder a moment as the door to the outside swung open and a thoroughly coated man stumbled in. ' Your awake boy! amazing! He's alive!'

Peter Wondered about god.


the Power of Faith-3- The Pines of Rome

'Take this letter to the home of poor Brother Isaac's Mother and Father' The Cardinal said with sincerity- clutching the letter. He lowered it from his heart to the hands of the Monastery's messenger, Peter. Peter was not a Prayer, but had landed at the Monastery after his parents were murdered in their family home. The killers escaped unscathed and Peter was left at 12 years old- in a house drenched by the blood of his Kin. The Leaders of his community saw it fit to give the boy over to the church. Though his family had achieved significant status and accumulated vast wealth, they were never god fearing and taught Peter nothing of the Christ or any other deity for that matter. But somehow, Peter felt an attraction to serve this place. This entity he was introduced to. Since Peter had no information about the actual beliefs or customs of the church, he would have to catch up before serving his god on an intellectual level. After the boy was absorbed by the church and began living at the monastery his inherited assets were awarded to the newly appointed Cardinal Adalfieri. 

Adalfieri had been appointed as a 'Lay Cardinal'  and was assigned to give special attention to this same monastery. It was a surprise to the resident monks when he arrived for they had received no notice or warning.

He introduced himself as having ' Vested interests in this monastery, in service of our lord.'


'Peter I know you will be hasty, you have always made the distance to the town and back in 2 days. Can I trust you will be swift?' The Cardinal inquired releasing the letter to the boy, only half his height.

'Ofcourse!' Peter barked at attention.' The rain has let up, but I fear it will only be a few more hours before it starts again' He said looking behind him at the grey cracked sky. Not a single shard of blue was able to penetrate its mask. It had been raining for 2 days and as Peter was about to embark, he was thankful he could enjoy the weathers first respite.

'You've made the journey in the rain before haven't you? Surely it isn't to much to ask of a healthy young boy?' The Cardinal send bending down and patting Peter's shoulder. He then leaned in and whispered something Peter couldn't quite hear. Peter wasn't compelled to ask the Cardinal for a clarification and before he knew it he was stomping through the mud, on the familiar road into the town.

Peter had experienced these sort of black out periods before but wasn't all too worried by them. It felt natural and without having to conjure any sort of justification, it seemed as if this was a way of life not uncommonly led by all of the monastery.

Looking down at the letter in his hands, Peter saw the first drop of rain. Falling and landing next to the black ribbon affixed with wax. The drop rested on the paper a moment and then traveled inward. By the time the two had fused the letter was dotted by a dozen more drops and Peter hid it beneath his coat.

Peter looked around him at the soaking wilderness that surrounded the monastery and wondered if these trees looked anything like the pines of Rome. He wondered about his god, and he wondered about the poor Mother and Father who he was delivering the letter to. Brother Isaac was kind and Peter was sure his family was aswell.

Peter wondered about his own family
and the rain never stopped.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Let America be America Again- Langston Hughes

 





Let America be America Again



Let America be America again.
Let it be the dream it used to be.
Let it be the pioneer on the plain
Seeking a home where he himself is free.

(America never was America to me.)

Let America be the dream the dreamers dreamed--
Let it be that great strong land of love
Where never kings connive nor tyrants scheme
That any man be crushed by one above.

(It never was America to me.)

O, let my land be a land where Liberty
Is crowned with no false patriotic wreath,
But opportunity is real, and life is free,
Equality is in the air we breathe.

(There's never been equality for me,
Nor freedom in this "homeland of the free.")

Say, who are you that mumbles in the dark? 
And who are you that draws your veil across the stars?

I am the poor white, fooled and pushed apart,
I am the Negro bearing slavery's scars.
I am the red man driven from the land,
I am the immigrant clutching the hope I seek--
And finding only the same old stupid plan
Of dog eat dog, of mighty crush the weak.

I am the young man, full of strength and hope,
Tangled in that ancient endless chain
Of profit, power, gain, of grab the land!
Of grab the gold! Of grab the ways of satisfying need!
Of work the men! Of take the pay!
Of owning everything for one's own greed!

I am the farmer, bondsman to the soil.
I am the worker sold to the machine.
I am the Negro, servant to you all.
I am the people, humble, hungry, mean--
Hungry yet today despite the dream.
Beaten yet today--O, Pioneers!
I am the man who never got ahead,
The poorest worker bartered through the years.

Yet I'm the one who dreamt our basic dream
In the Old World while still a serf of kings,
Who dreamt a dream so strong, so brave, so true,
That even yet its mighty daring sings
In every brick and stone, in every furrow turned
That's made America the land it has become.
O, I'm the man who sailed those early seas
In search of what I meant to be my home--
For I'm the one who left dark Ireland's shore,
And Poland's plain, and England's grassy lea,
And torn from Black Africa's strand I came
To build a "homeland of the free."

The free?

Who said the free? Not me?
Surely not me? The millions on relief today?
The millions shot down when we strike?
The millions who have nothing for our pay?
For all the dreams we've dreamed
And all the songs we've sung
And all the hopes we've held
And all the flags we've hung,
The millions who have nothing for our pay--
Except the dream that's almost dead today.

O, let America be America again--
The land that never has been yet--
And yet must be--the land where every man is free.
The land that's mine--the poor man's, Indian's, Negro's, ME--
Who made America,
Whose sweat and blood, whose faith and pain,
Whose hand at the foundry, whose plow in the rain,
Must bring back our mighty dream again.

Sure, call me any ugly name you choose--
The steel of freedom does not stain.
From those who live like leeches on the people's lives,
We must take back our land again,
America!

O, yes,
I say it plain,
America never was America to me,
And yet I swear this oath--
America will be!

Out of the rack and ruin of our gangster death,
The rape and rot of graft, and stealth, and lies,
We, the people, must redeem
The land, the mines, the plants, the rivers.
The mountains and the endless plain--
All, all the stretch of these great green states--
And make America again! 


Langston Hughes 

Friday, December 4, 2009

Goodbye to These

Saying no to you
Is saying goodbye to these.
My letters are magnetic,
and without some opposite 
they couldn't be bothered
to leave their beds. 

The Alarm-
It is knocked from its place 
on the stand 
next to 'T'

The sheets are pulled tight
To hide the eyes of 'C'.
Just another hour.

And 'M' invests
In black out curtains.

It'd be nice,
To give it up.
But I am only being realistic,
And these letters 
Don't type themselves.

YET TO BE TITLED

The sun comes to light the fire that is life, but just as the dawn is still cold while the sun is visible, life is fleeting and the cooler part of the day had appeared before a young boy, Desmond, wrapped in his brothers coat- denying what he felt. The end.

Desmond's older brother Benjamin had carried his wounded kin 6 miles up the Kern river before he had to stop for rest. Benjamin knew there was a town north of where they had been panning. Young Desmond, 10 years old, had been bitten by a snake earlier in the day and the poison he had absorbed was charging rapidly throughout his body. It seemed as-though every natural function had begun to fail. Some were gone. 

His senses  had begun to fail in a sort of rhythm. At the two mile marker Young Desmond lost his sight. His eyes had swollen to a point of shutting and tears poured endlessly from the red irritated mass. He had lost use of his right leg completely only moments after the bite. The other followed suit and Benjamin was forced to hoist his brother- not a small child- onto his shoulder. By the time They traveled another mile or so, the poor boy's tongue had swollen so that his speech was nothing but muffled humming. Spitting. Another mile and his bowels were loosed upon both himself and his loving brother. At mile five Desmond's temperature dropped with the temperature of the evening and his body made no attempt at warming itself. It was cold but it was also California. The boys had experienced far worse conditions before traveling westward. Regardless the temperature proved to be a hazard to young Desmond's health. Benjamin pushed on another mile and with the last of his strength lowered his brother onto a mound of leaves beside the clearing in which they had stopped.

'If you can here me Des I'm gonna wrap you up and you need to try and get some sleep. I cant walk any further my back is crooked and my knees swollen.' Benjamin said kneeling over a nearly comatose Desmond. Ben then removed his  long coat and blanketed his brother.

Desmond heard nothing only the squeaking of air escaping the swollen bits clinging to his skull. He sleeps.

Benjamin began work on a fire which was a simple task with matches handy. He warmed himself for a moment and laid down. The sky was clear and his view of the stars- perfectly framed by the branches what hung above the clearing, taunted him. Ben starred upward as his eyes jumped franticly from star to star. This was unusual, for Benjamin was fairly well versed in the shapes and order of the Cosmos- but fear for his brother had scattered his reason. Ben was faced with a sea of black and white chaos- no form- no order. He shut his eyes to hide. He sleeps.

Without any prompt other than his sense of responsibility for his own brother's life, Benjamin shot awake- dead of night- and knew they had to make it to this town quick. He lifted his worn arms and planted his hands on the ground to thrust his torso and shattered back upward. He stood and everything snapped and cracked. Still wrapped in the jacket, Desmond felt his brother heave him off the floor. He could feel his brother's arms shaking. A swing and he was back on Ben's shoulder. 

Benjamin, with Desmond's two legs hanging out in front of him, noticed the tear where the snake had bitten through the boy's pant leg. 'I should check the wound' Ben thought as he reached with his free left hand to lift the clothing out of the way.' Jesus' He said aloud. It was as if the boy had a second knee near his ankle. The area had swollen and changed in color so much it hardly looked like something a human could carry. Produce. He covered the mess again.

It was another mile before the town was visible. A few fires still burned though it was late and this gave ben hope. He hurried down the hillside they had crested- toward the town. Careful not to harm Desmond but swiftly hopping from safe landing spot to safe landing spot, it took no time at all to reach the bottom. They raced into town.

The buildings were all dormant except for two windows above a feed store. Inside a lamp flickered and beckoned Ben's heart to tremble with hope. He approached the door and began to knock.

'Hey! inside! We need a doctor! my brothers been bit by a rattler!' He shouted up at the glowing windows. Ben began rapping on the door and repeating himself. ' We need a doctor!' adding 'Ill pay extra! Ill pay you to show me to him!'

The window swung open furiously and two ancient faces peaked out. A man and a woman. 'No need t'be hollerin' were still awake.' The man declared

'Were not that old' The woman muttered as she disappeared back into their home.

'Ill come down and let you in' The man said waving his hand top to bottom as if he was used to this sort of thing.

A moment passed and he swung open the front door. ' How long ago was he bit?' The man asked examining the boys ankle. He noticed it immediately. 

'Earlier today' Ben replied. ' Is there a Doctor here, at this hour who can help us?' 

'There is but never mind them, their crooks. In-cahoots with the crazy basterd whos been runnin this place the last few months. Come up stairs, My wife will tend to the boy. We had sons.'

The three of them disappeared into the dark feed store.



Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Power of Faith-2- The Gospel



'What makes your heart shake Monk?' The Cardinal said from outside the monks quarters, with a firm and resonant voice. It reeked of suppressed anger. Its tone begged to be sincere but was borne of hatred. A hatred the Cardinal knew as direction. His purpose was his god.

The monk was shaken and his tears ceased to flow. Now it was fear.' Whats that?' He offerers. The door still closed.

'From what ocean do you draw the water for your tears Monk?' The Cardinal spoke louder than before as he began tapping his black knuckle on the wooden door.

'G-god's ocean!' The Wino replied jumping to his feet and scrambling to open the door. 

The door now being open the Wino was frozen by the sight of the Cardinal. The only light they shared other than a small candle at the Wino's bedside was a torch burning in the hallway directly behind this red and grinning holy ghoul. The black finger still hung between the two of them.

'And why would a god as pure as our own be so generous as to waste his valued seas on the tears of a drunk? Of a fool? Of a coward? Sit.' 

The finger rose to Direct the Monk.

Without any effort the Monk stepped back and lowered himself onto the edge of his bed. All the while not once pulling his eyes away from this perfectly black finger, now looking down at him.

'I've come to offer you a chance to hide yourself from god, and leave the monastery.' The Cardinal explained lowering his arm. He took a step into the small room.

'Oh no I truly and honestly wish to serve the lord! Really Im sorry for my-' The Monk pleaded, with hope in his eyes. He did not want to be cast aside, away from his god's comforting light.

' This is the only way you can serve your god my son.' The Cardinal said, his Face erupting into a sweet and gentle thing. He took two more steps and knelt before the Monk. They were now at eye level with one another. 'You see son, we are men of the faith, we want the same things.'

The Monk was at first disturbed by this sudden change in the Cardinal's demeanor but quickly began to feel some hope. Some chance. He smiled subtly.

' Now we both know you aren't the most productive Prayer, and it seems you take to the bottle far more often then you do to the scripture.' The Cardinal spoke with a hint of forgiveness.' You just aren't the sort of soul our god wishes to have carrying out his will. Do you see?'

'I see' the foolish and hopeful Monk replied, taking these words as gospel. This was coming from his god's messenger.

The Cardinal reached beneath his cape and produced a long narrow cylindrical dagger with a point on the end and no edge. Tears welled in the Monks eyes but he didn't fight it.' Hold your tears Monk, you musnt be greedy. Take this in your Hand and pull it inward. You will be forgiven and no longer upset your god. Our god.'

The monk reached out and grabbed the dagger. He shook all over. Handling the spike a moment he managed it into both his hands, with the tip leaning on his gut. ' This is what our god wishes?' He asked with a weak voice.

The Cardinal nods.

With the blessing of his god, the Monk plunged the dagger deep within making no sound. The Cardinal cupped the back of the Monk's head as he slowly fell backward. He bled all he could and was gone.

 When the breathing stopped the Cardinal's face returned to its sculpted and naturally cold form. After sliding his hand out from beneath the Wino's head he stood and looked upward. His eyes closed and he took a deep breath.

The Cardinal's mind buzzed with the energy of a god that can only be pleased by perfection.

He lets the breath out.

Balance.

The rest of the evening was spent by the fire. Stirring his jar of ink with his finger.


The Power of Faith-1- How to speak when spoken to.

'Should we double check it?' The fat wino belched from deep within his robes.

'It is the word of our God there will be no double checking' The stone faced Cardinal replied. Dipping his finger into the jar of ink on the desk before him- to the first bend. He looked into the eyes of the Wino.' Have you got any clue how disrespectful it is to revise these words? these are the words we live by. Without these words you are nothing, we are nothing. Do you suggest we shit on the prospect of our redemption? This is all there is.'

'But you've changed several-' The Wino began.

'I have changed nothing you waste!' The cardinal rose from his desk and bent over the portly- Monk, his finger dripping black.' I receive the very word of GOD YOU WASTE! I am a vessel- you are an ant. I have clarified you see. That is what you so dully mistake for change. Go to your quarters and wait. This will not be going unnoticed.'

The Wino turned without a word and exited. He hid his cowardly face until the door to his room was closed and promptly let fly the tears of his faith. A gesture to his God, he was sorry and dumb.

The Cardinal sat back in his chair and ran his finger across the parchment before him. The beginnings of a letter to the monks family. The draft was never finished- Just ended by his black trail. It was folded and sealed. The Cardinal used black wax and affixed a small black bow- beneath the wax as he pressed it on.

The Cardinal stood once more and gazed down the hall leading to his door. The black finger hung at his side.


Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Shake Me

In the morning
After everything
She's still beautiful 
And Im a coughing angry thing.
I've got to leave
But shell stay and sleep a while.
You've got to love a girl
Who sleeps like a stone.
I get away with kissing her forehead,
She doesn't budge.
I leave and dream all day.



If she had been awake
there would have been words-
Muddy like these,
But instead 
Its just a wide open mouth 
And rolled back eyes-
Breath like booze
And no voice to say
She didn't care.

When the Sun Comes Out


I've got to thank someone's god 
for giving me these little troubles,
Perfect for distracting me from the big ones.
The real ones.


Saturday, November 21, 2009

Any Fool

Any fool, drunk, rascal,
Or otherwise has a real good weakness
At the heart of it.
A real Caring im sure.

All my eggs are in one basket
No question there-
But ive gotten real good  
At chasing around little wastes of time.

Distractions and bottles,
Cheap but a good way
Of tricking myself
Into thinking im closer to that one sweet girl 
Whos bends and shakes
Have been bending 
And shaking me 
Since the start.

'Oh well tell me what she looks like!'
Some other girl will ask-
maybe bored that im rattling on about some dream.
Anyone could see once im on a kick
There no reclaiming my mind.

'No point in sayin' 
I have to reply,
It's true and I'd hate 
To waste anyones time.
As if I wasn't already.

' Aw tell me! Just describe her, you can do that.'
Im ordered
'You're good at that'
But it isn't features-
Facts or perks.

I could try and sing praise for her voice
But my notes are to sour
And unorganized.

I could swamp the room with tears 
On her eyes-
'But it isn't her eyes that drive me crazy!'
Its all the things they could make me do,
Forget, remember,
And still that isn't the half of it.

Its painted for me bright and clear
When she leans forward
And the light were sharing 
Motions to rest on the top side
Of each feature I've coveted so dearly,
I know I'm weak and she could do anything.

But we want different things,
And I'm left to keep running around
Peaking into situations ill never see through,
Getting other peoples hopes up as high as mine,
And satisfying them the like.

It'd be a kind favor of me 
To stop the chain
And  to stop welcoming 
Strangers to suffer
in my specially crafted
den.

But as I said
Its a real good weakness,
I can tell because it's stronger
than my strengths.

Friday, November 20, 2009

'Mr Baker you've given me a page with no results, only drawings and  an altered heading'

' I'm sorry ill try harder.'

' You ought to spend more time on your work and less time talking to Ms. Paris, I dont want to send another note home with you...'

'You wont.'

If I learned any two things in grade school it was how to chase girls and falsely re-assure figures of authority- two skills that needn't be frowned at or devalued.

I should have gone to college- Who knows what tricks I would have picked up there.

Monday, November 16, 2009

When the Nurse says Rest- You Rest.

'Rest and feel well
Lay back and let me
Fill your glass.'

'But im sick! a way
That is entirely new
To you
And so old
To me.'

' Well it is a sickness all the same,
So you lay back,
let me filly our glass'

' I am sickened by grace
And sweetness!
It makes my stomach turn 
both upset and confused.
The only cure is solitude.
Leave me.'

' I could never,
with you bent and crooked,
do you carry some weight?
I will relieve the stress 
and strap your pack
to my back.'

' Then that is the weight-
your kindness.'


Saturday, October 24, 2009

Watson.

I am  a single cell
Blessed with a magnetism.

Us cells, we found holes
in our membranes. 

I'll draw this or that,
me- the magnet cell,
and feel alright.

some cells are more magnetic, 
too magnetic,
and flood the nucleus.
Everything turns them
Electr-
ON.

Some cells are broken,
Broken open and anything
Can get in.

Some cells are broken,
Clogged and unable 
To let anything penetrate them,
Their walls.

Sad cells.

The cell I call myself
would wish to live in a capsule,
just one cell padded with sugar
and compacted.

Consumed by a larger cell-
the magnet cell-
ultimate satisfaction
and realization of purpose.

But I am walled by no capsule
and all the other cells
are getting to me.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Whos Got the Remedy?

If I don't feel better
soon,
Ill lose my mind.

I cannot remember what It is to feel well,
and when I am well
I will forget what it is to be sick.

This makes it seem as if
I have aready lost my mind,
and then all that is left, 
is to succumb to the discomfort
and wait it out.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

When you were a nun

When you were a nun did you wish you were homeless?
When you smiled to know god was on your side
did the devil make you sick with envy?
or
When you were up in the monastery
did you forget what humans love?
Pain and filth?
Were there secrets under you habit?

My habits are pure, and my heart is  light yellow colour.
Filled with beer and smiling.
My lungs look black to you but I cant see them
and neither can your god.
When you were a nun did you wish you could pay 7 dollars
to get sick?

Lucky stoge

Ive found myself out of luck
and coughing, I was promised good fortune
and all I have left,
is an empty pack.
I am ungrateful 
I am neglectful 
and am only now learning my last smoke's worth.

Luck is something better not to know.
Ill smoke it down and expect a miracle,
not knowing the girl I love
hates me a little less for that second,
kissing her wine.

'Why am I broke, this aint luck' Ill spit.
while my car isn't being broken into.
Something ill never know.

I've spent alot of time expecting luck, and wondering where it is
or where it went, but its trash thinking.
Its better not to know.

When i met luck, I knew her.
She loved me and I was happy for a long time,
untill I pushed her away.
I asked for her back and have been unlucky since,
only because Ive been looking for it.

so I give up 
and drink beer.

time passes and we fuck, drunk.
Im the luckiest idiot ive ever known, but the timing is wrong.
Someone thinks I belong to them,
they don't know how long ive waited
to be so lucky.

So I spend 6 or 7 packs of smokes complaining about it,
not crying once,
but wishing I could. To make it real.
all these luckys later im still shit outa luck
and drinking beer again.

I saw the girl I'd wished so many times to have back,
today.
We smoked and I had lucky number 8.
She took off her shades and I saw those eyes,
you know them, 
and I realized she did it for me.
She knew I needed it,
to see them.

Im the stupidest 
luckiest
sonofabitch you will ever know.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Rotting Roots, of the Oak Tree.

I just try and look at it all as a future memory

where I can laugh at everything.

I have to sleep.

Im more thankfull than ever to have someone like you on my side.

Postman

I know I haven't got the strength
To carry on my back
The satchel of apologies 
I was supposed to deliver. 

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Oke-She-Moke-She-pop

Somehow you've got my heart beating
again.
Managed to make it drum from inside out 
for two days now.
The beats are loud enough
I can count them, 
which slows down the day.
That slows down the week,
and It seems as though Ill never see you again.
To Reflect and complain, 
or
laugh and be grim about it.
Push you around my bed,
and smile at our childhood selves,
still using code words
for I love you.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

dirty coffee

I wake up to another group of wishes,
one in particular
come true.
Focused on my minds dumb smile
ash falls into my drink.
There has always been ash in my drink,
and a dumb smile on my mind.

I wont fish it out.
Especially if Im asked to.
But I wont ever mention again
That its in there.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

A puddle.

It has come to be one thing,
life and dreaming.
A line I never thought would blur
has dissolved
and left me in a puddle
of happy and sad.


Monday, September 28, 2009

I love you Tony

Finding a place
where beer is sold
and the joint isn't kidding you
is a rare thing.
We have a place where they sell beer to men 
who want beer
and to women who love men
who want beer.
The ones who like sports 
and all that
watch them
and drink their beer.
The back is dirty and open,
to the sky
where you can smoke.
the last free plot of land in Los Angeles.
The pool players play pool and drink their beer.
Old men ,
who know the bar as a friend, 
their wives
sit and smile and drink
while they rattle on, and pat the bar.



Untitled

Sitting around kidding myself has grown into a pastime and furthermore an art. I think maybe the only real satisfaction I'll ever draw, is that of my dreams. Day dreams, and thoughts of what could be. In every situation there is a play. The heaviest comes before seeing girls I care for, Genuinely care for, wild dreams , calm dreams. Slices of the evening to come, played out by two actors, identical to us, but for their position in time, and together. Then I turn, and bend myself over the keys, and perform a poem, a place I thought was made for escaping, but isn't. I thought it was a place I could create but instead its the world where I live. I've moved there, and this is all some vacation gone wrong. I live a wonderful life, but it isn't as perfect. 

It is not my intention to prove my poems are perfect things, and I hope you would ignore me if I ever did. They are perfect in the way that they are true, and there isn't any doubt mixed in. There is no question and no dreaming. A way of looking straight into things.

Then I turn away to drag on my beer. I lift it and a flash strikes me from outside my window. Immediately the flash tells me it's only a reflection and the swig settles. Im stuck dreaming again and my heart shakes around. Not the love heart but the fear heart. Also the curiosity heart. My fingertips are freezing from typing fast, and grabbing a cold can. The love heart shakes, and I care for her.

Caring  has always stricken me as a delicate and terrifying condition. It's so much a concept, and so little a real thing, its as delicate as an important fact to remember. There's no telling weather or not it will stay, or be worth it, but you hold on. People don't behave rationally, the people who say so are afraid, and have made horrible mistakes. The people who do not say so have probably made far worse mistakes. They are terrified, but have known the truth about at least one other human's soul. That human soul is fickle and changes. It isn't to be trusted but embraced. Cared for. And if you stop caring, you no longer know this human soul, because it is fickle, and again it changes.

Now its getting later and all the dreams of what's to come have blurred with alternate versions of themselves, conflicting, and now they are a ball of wire. Its circumference is so that the outer wires are 100% longer than the wires at the center of the mass. There is no reaching where the dream began, and now all thats left is to wait. The hopes that had sparked the trip were now extinguished. Often, and most of the time, love is one sided. Dreaming of this girl who loves you the second your first drinks are down. All smiles. No rattling your old mouth. It might be useless or it might be the way things actually are, in day dreams. Not the way things are going to become here on earth but the truth that only you know, and you know as pure. Everything- these thoughts and dreams, poems, they're nothing but you, or me. They are born inside what I know as real, and never leave. Related sometimes through writing or song, but the event, the actual dream is something that happened in you, its the past. It is as solid a past as any event in flesh, or in the air could be.

I come to seeing I'd be better off sitting at home dreaming, drinking. Singing. But none of that could compare to the dreams I would have if I got to see her eyes. Fuel for dream fire. Timber.


Waste vast hours, tired
unleashing thoughts without having to wish they were real.
Waste your life dreaming and forget everything important. 
Feed yourself with food, booze, other people's dreaming
And die
with your eyes open,
because dreams feel better
when you look toward the places in which
whey are based.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

The Ballad of Carlo Porter- Pt. 3- " Warming up"

The camp wasn't big, where Carlo drank, at this makeshift bar. The Drunk's resumed their chattering and dice rolling. Card flipping. As the barman took Carlo's payment, far less than what was normally required for the amount of whiskey he consumed, A man stood up from the closest table to the bar and declared: " You'd never beat Bill Waterloo hands to hands! No way in hell!"
Carlo turns around to face the rebel.  His face is plain and calm.
"You Couldn't even beat me! look at ya! your in rags!" The Rebel charged him. This maniac had some kind of death-wish. He was broad shouldered and almost as tall as Carlo, but lacked the posture and brovado of a fighter. He stood slumped over, and had his elbows pushed backward, leaving him very open. A bad way to stand while taunting a Brawler.
Carlo sent him three fists without any warning. The first was to the sternum, this launched the upper half of his  body and his head, forward. While this motion was still in action, the same fist pulled back and struck again, meeting the man's neck on its way toward Carlo. Now he was traveling backward, but before he was upright again Carlo drew back and returned his fist, this time coming from above and directly down upon the mans nose. He fell backward, half onto a table, knocking all its contents to the floor. He flipped onto his front after hitting the table and landed on the floor. It was all blood and glass and cards down there. The man on the floor didn't move. Everyone was quiet again, shocked. One man cheered and before his first holler had ended the rest had joined in. Everyone enjoyed a knockout.


It was time to find a place to sleep. 

Carlo wandered the camp, half drunk for the better part of the evening, sizing up everyone he saw. No one would look him in the eyes. The camp was small but had been around for a while, so there were some wooden structures, though most of the stations were tents. Upon losing his whiskey energy, Carlo knew it was time to turn in. He had come across a feild of tents, rented for a quarter a night.

" Ill have a tent then." Carlo handed the attendant a quarter.

"there, in the back. Second from the left." The geezer directed Carlo. He squints and points to the tent.

The tents were almost all occupied. There were some men who stood around still drinking and shouting at their fire to ' Grow! '. Some were face first in the dirt. Some had women in their tents, which shook and almost fell at every quake. The tents around where Carlo was directed were calm, mostly sleeping men. One had a woman in there with him but they were sound asleep. Their feet stuck out the back of the tent and were still. They both had multiple layers of stockings and the man wore his boots, to fight the cold. 

Carlo crawled into his tent and wraped himself in his own arms. There was a small wool blanket but wouldn't provide any warmth. It was better to protect him from the dirt, and the bugs.  He dug his fingers into his shirt and curled up. Sleep.

Though he dreamt, Carlo had always been more so the type to deny such silly things. Not showing much interest in the arts, or words. But his mind was flush with strange visions. This night, as with most nights on drunk, he dreamt elaborate, seemingly eternal dreams. They were all about conquest. The dreams never had any historical significance or accuracy, but rather portrayed a caricature of each of his fights. He was a commander sitting atop a gigantic black beast, a spear in his hand. He would shout to his warriors and direct them, pushing each group forward as if it were a fist being swung at his enemy.  Carlo's voice would carry across the battlefield as clear as ever and charge his warriors with passion. Every time the enemy was defeated and everytime Carlo would behead the enemy leader, and awaken. This night, (as every night since Carlo heard the legend of Bill Waterloo) it was Bill's head on the ground before him. Carlo was just warming up.

The sun cooked the leather on his shoe and Carlo awoke. 

---------------                               --------------------                          --------------------

Sitting on the steps of his shack, Bill watched the sun come up, and craved his sport. 

It had been only two days since his last brawl, and he already wanted to win again. Competition was growing scarce.

'Have you heard the Legend of Bill Waterloo?'

'Who hasn't?'

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Ballad of Carlo Porter- Pt. 2- "How To Throw an Axe"

Little Bill was hit in the eye by a stone. It was his first interaction with the boys in his town. They had never said a word. Never at school. Never at the church. Bill was red, and red was bad.

It didn't take a stone for little Bill to learn how to hate back.

Bill fell straight back onto the road, hand cupped over his eye, trying to hold the blood in. Maybe hiding it from more rocks. The boys ran off and disappeared into hiding places Bill would never know. He sat up.

Half way between school and and home was an area little Bill wasn't too familiar with. Don't mistake this for a lack of geographic genius, which he had always exhibited, but a loss due to distraction. His walks to and fro the school were filled with day dreams and memories. The two mixed. The terrain around him, the weather, disappeared and a new landscape was drawn. Some of the dreams were of his fighting the other boys, some were of girls in his school, who were always starring at him, so different, red. He built upon vague memories he had stored, of living with his parents and a people all the same. He would wonder if this was just some wildly creative day dream, and everyday, every morning, he would realize it was real. A real memory.

Shaken- on the dirt floor, Bill got his first clear view of the wilderness in-between his school and home. It was a great, and far reaching thing. So clear now that his brain had been rocked and higher thinking fled, the truth of his surroundings became evident. Then quickly he was back to the eye. 

It didn't hurt at all. The pain was not yet a factor. All the blood was a problem. Bill cried. The crying made him bleed more but Bill had been crushed and didn't care. So many dreams of fighting back, of starting the fights. 

IN CLASS- Bill sits at his desk. Tommy O. comes up to him from behind and slaps the back of  Bills head, as to call Bill a fool and rock his skull.

Bill stands and turns about to face Tommy. A look of grave fear runs across Tommy's face and he begins to back off 

'Im awefull sorry RED!' the bitch cries.

Bill winds up and collapses the face of his adversary. Blood is everywhere. Tommy lies chest up on a desk, maybe dead.

Curtain

Each morning had a thousand of these, and each afternoon was saved for thoughts of girls. But he now realized he wasn't the hero in his dreams, he wasn't as quick, brave, or deadly. 

The next year he spent in the surrounding wilderness. All of his spare time. His adopted parents worried, but could not stop the boy from  going out into it. He would go further each time. Sometimes gone for days. He was 14 and capable. He knew his basics, and knew his instincts better. He learned to hunt without the aid of anyone but himself, and this hunt became a thing of sport. He would never kill in excess, but when the time did come, he was more thrilled than ever. Bill used a sling he had fashioned at first, hurling stones he would find. This did him well as far as rabbits and squirrels were concerned, but he continually out did himself.

An old Miner who had come across a fairly bright and wealthy creek, was living out his days in a shack near the road Bill to from home to school. He would sit on his porch, and you could see him as a spec from the road. His shack could be called a spec aswell. It was far. Bill would watch it grow as he marched east, toward the hills he had to cross before each adventure. He would pass the shack and exchange a nod with the Miner, usually drunk. Never a word until one day when Bill was returning from a 2 day excursion. Bill had three rabbits slung over his shoulder and nodded as he passed, but the Miner shouted- 'Hunter! ay hunter! have I got somethin fer' you!' 

Bill looked back and saw the coot dragging himself from the porch step where he sat. He stops.
By this time Bill had been making money off the pelts he collected and carried his income on his person. The thought crossed Bill's mind that maybe this coot was accustomed to seeing him emerge with valuable fur and figured it was time to take a cut. He was white and Bill hadn't had many good run-ins with white folk other than his parents and the pastor at his church. But the Miner was smiling and alone. Something was bringing him joy and it clearly wasn't his greed. The Miner disappeared into the shack. Bill was confused and nervous. A few seconds later, after a rattle and crash or two inside the shack, the Miner emerged with an axe in his hand. He held it in a passive way and shuffled over toward Bill coughing and smiling.

' Got this from a man, red like yerself, helped me figure these parts out and find my claim real quick. Wernt' fer him I wouldn't be livin such a life of leisure.' There was a sincere tone in his voice and he looked happy to recall his getting the axe. ' Its a Tomyhawk' He stated, extending the axe handle first. Bill grabbed hold and took the tool. It felt good and quick. He had used axes for chopping wood but they were heavy and purposeful, this was some finer thing. 

The two of them spent the afternoon hurling the axe into the side of the Miner's shack. ' Take five natural steps away from the wall, about face, and throw the axe' the Miner offered. The handle would hit and there would be clarification. ' Extend your arm, when you loose the axe you should be pointing at your target. Dont whip your arm, extend it.'

He stayed with the man for a month and hunted, and learned from him. He learned to box, and shoot a bow. He would travel miles in all directions and learn the country, but would always return with speed for another lesson. The man died. Bill burned the body, as per request, and began his residence in the shack.

                                  ------------                 -----------------            ---------------

' Wheres the bastard live ' Carlo called,  preparing another drink for himself.

' Somewhere out toward that school ' A local lush shot out quick, begging to see a fight.

' How's he take to challenges?' Carlo asked.

' Lives for em '

Monday, September 21, 2009

The Ballad of Carlo Porter- Pt. 1- "Temper the steel"

'Bill Waterloo is about the best fighter around here yup. Think everybody'd agree on that one.' The Gray fellow behind the bar settled. The barflys and card shuffling drunks had long since gone quiet with their fascination. The room was dominated immediately, upon entry, by one Carlo Porter. Six feet and three inches tall, stood straighter than ever, and marched like a cattle baron, as rich and powerful. All with a hole in his right shoe, his boxing unitard, and over that his thick wool pants. Summers were rough, but he didn't have the money or the care for a suitcase, or a second pair of slacks. All Carlo cared about was winning the fight. He was born a gladiator,and knew no other cause. Nothing could bring him shame less a defeat at the end of another's hook. He had been spat on, cursed, kicked from hotels, bars, the homes of women he loved, and still no shame. His family denounced him and thought him a fool, and mental loss, and 'Severely lacking in compassion'. He lived his life more or less alone. There were small bouts with women, or a gang. Gold was old news in California by now ,there was nothing left to be settled, you had to buy in, and investments never payed off quick enough. Carlo could haul stones, and sacks of brick, so he went to work with road building gangs. Tearing up and down the coast, hopping gangs just to pick fights in the next, Carlo Porter had established a decent reputation.

But there were other fighters as brave,( if not braver they would boast) and as cunning, as drawn to the fight as Carlo. This is the very thing that kept the fighter's heart beating. Blood had no reason to reach the limbs if there was nothing to prove. Of course though they had some things in common, the brawlers of the new American horizon were the most varied the world had ever seen. Everyone had a different background attached to their bloodlust. Carlo was born in the dirt, at his family's claim in the north of California. It had ceased to yield a flake of gold for a year by the time he was old enough to do anything about it. His greedy brothers had constantly feuded up until then, about who would take the smaller cut, Carlo - would it be even. It didn't end up mattering and they took to moonshining. This brought with it, a serious amount of trouble. The neighbors wanted some. The Porters and the MacLeons traded blows for  years. If it wasn't one thing, it was another, the battle never ended. First it was freeing the livestock. Both families had a few sheep and more than a few chickens. A horse each. The MacLeons would send their youngest to free the Porter's animals. Two little girls, 8 years and 9 years, and a little queer boy, who danced when he ran and was very strange. He was maybe 8. The Porters then unleashed Carlo and his two Older brothers, in their early twenties. The boys, one night, invaded the MacLeon property and murdered one of their sheep. Upon settling the shaking corpse, they managed their way into the residence with the it. They were raised to be clever, but there wasn't any knowing in which ways it would manifest. Stealth. They sawed the animal open and strung its organs around the the main room of the house, all with the most painfull attention to how much sound they were making, not a noise. Without a second to know, a young Carlo took his first real punch from somewhere within a shadow. This sent him to the ground with ease. Not clever enough.

 Carlo woke up leaning on his fence, shirt covered in blood, and one eye open watching his family's home burn. He could hear the fire and nothing else. Everyone charged about the front of the house cursing the MacLeons, and cursing the boys, Rifles out. Everything was lost but Carlo could only hear fire, and see mouths flapping. Eyes wet and swollen. Crushed people. Lost people and angry people. He looked to his sides- his brothers. Same state as himself, as far as wounds were concerned. They both had a look in their eyes, 1/2 part guilt 1/2 part motivation. They had murder in their eyes. Revenge.

Terry, the oldest leaned over to Carlo and grabbed his forearm  ' You didn't even get one in'  He said smirking. Carlo looked down shamed as ever  ' Don't worry little Carlo, you must temper the steel to make it  strong enough for the likes of a MacLeon brute. Fuckers are double sized.'  Terry looked back up at the burning chaos. ' Well make a Bruiser of you yet '.

The boys left their family and went to the city. Carlo learned just how to swing his fists.

Bill Waterloo had a different story. He was red, and carried and axe.

Carlo had to know who he was up against.

My Time as a Human

Growing up there was a skateboarding age. Genetic I think. Maybe some strange beat in the rhythm of evolution. Human. It came to my turn, my year, and I got a skateboard. Things were good and I was human. It was almost like any development I had gone through before. Things were good.  Would ride around and attempt to flip the board in ways that were sure to crack my head, or my ankles. 

Time passed an I made very little progress. In some areas Im sure my skills decreased. Soon enough I decided it wasn't for me. Many of my close friends became craftsmen of the plank. It was their art. Their genes. I took to reading and Girls.

We all continued evolving and settled into our niches, some being sportsmen, Skate board junkies ( in a hideous bulk ) , do nothings, yellers, sitters ( good company for do nothings, but the do nothings insisted always, they were doing something, not just sitting around. ), future adults, and musicians. I had always been musical but now I could realize it wasn't something I learned, it was my genes. I was sure, upon being stabbed, music would flow from the wound. We started a group.

This was my becoming human. Tapping into what seemed to me a most accurate portrayal of what life was, we played punk rock, thinking the whole time we were responsible for the mental evolution of our peers. I now see it wasn't necessarily us, but we were flag bearers for a cause. Whatever it may have been.

These years also managed to connect the dots as far as my view of the natural world was concerned. For the entirety of my life up to this point my father had made a constant effort to expose my little mind to the wonders of what was, and what still is. We spent every spare moment in the mountains. In the forest. Looking for rivers (always trying to find the water, surrounded by life). Pushing away from the slabs and onto the bare and naked parts of the earth, where her skin was exposed to the sun. I always enjoyed it, and walked away with a good experience, but only in these punk rock years did I see its value. Not only see its value but adopt it. I knew in some way the things I had seen were right. Set up right. Working without flaw. I wasn't sure how to word it, or piece it together then, even in my head. All I knew is that it was right. Looking out and forgetting I did so with eyes, forgetting I did so with looking at all and then I was gone, but everything else was still there. I was everything. I didn't realize the last bit until much later, but looking back I can see I knew it then. I didn't have the words to hold the feeling out in front the part of me that was separate from everything. The fake part. It was when I saw these things, with my thought, and my eyes, and the bottoms of my feet; this is where I ended my time as a human.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Sybian Caribbean

I wonder if I've met a whore.
I have met with keepers of the title,
but not the profession.
There's an even balance
of disgust
and appreciation.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Tonight I paint my feet

Before searching for a place to stand
I paint the bottoms of my feet.
Tonight I will step
A masterpiece,
Because Im less sure than ever
Where to stand.

A word on my addiction to the letter.

There was a point, and I remember it well, when I had no clue what these shapes meant. I could hardly tell them apart. Squiggles all the same. Upon investigation, most of the children around me began to notice differences in the makeup of these glyphs. Some were a stick with arms, others were a circle with a tail.

My observations were cluttered. I saw a storm of lines and mutated 5 armed stick pests with double tails. I could grab the shape of a letter for a half second and then it would combine itself with the letter next to it, above it, and suddenly Im looking at a storm of shapes. Look away. Look back, and its back to a normal page. 

This confusion was not only obstructing the intake center of my literacy, but the output aswell. I would drum up a poignant sentence, logical and clear, and lay my pencil to the paper. Out comes what was described to me as 'Completely  illegible gibberish', but only moments ago was a thought. with meaning. I can't exactly remember my thinking proccess at the age of 6, or 4 or 7, but there had to be some sort of meaning in the things I said. Some part of my soul telling my brain what to say, or coming to an agreement. Most likely being forced to meet in the middle. I know for a fact I've always been eager to speak my mind. This must be some inherent trait. I alot the feeling to my physical nerve centers more so than my decision making ones. Its a tensing of the muscles and boiling of the blood, where your brain is the third man, and is willing to go along for the ride. It must have existed then, but what could it have been I wanted to share? I knew so little. My best guess is that it manifested itself on the opposite side of things. As questioning. Im told that as a little one, I 'Wouldn't shut up with the questions'. Asking about the parts of machines what I didn't know the name of. Or asking WHY is the porch light and the street light two separate colours? or WHY the lines in the road were yellow. Often my family didn't have the answer, and I couldn't blame them. Even then I knew my mode of thinking was different, and the questions were a long shot. When I did get answers I held on the them. Anytime they would come up, even remotely mentioned, I would project and launch my little fact forth. This is where the evolution of this trait began. From questioning to sharing, or in another way, blindly following my instincts.

This early interest in the world and what it had to offer gave me a frustration with my literary stunt. Why the hell can't I figure this one out? Why is this puzzle so much harder to solve than that of the way a spring works, or that fathers were hollow. I was plagued by this for some years.

Since then I've managed to overcome almost every bit of it, and in doing so formed a sort of obsession with the word, the sentence, the string of shapes that transports information, thought, emotion. Warning. The word and I are almost on the same side now, though there are still a few beaches to storm. Filling out applications and tax forms brings me directly back to the times when I was blind to these shapes. Its the boxes and lines they paste all over the damn things. One look at the page and they all start swaying and moving, switching around. I almost have to hold on to the table to steady them. It takes a while to decipher the grid, but i manage through it. I think its this near understanding of words that keeps me interested. The chase. If it was all clear to me I wouldn't have to write. I would just sleep.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Tired state

Looking down at the zig zags what make my legs to the floor, all I hear is shout-chattering drunks. Im exhausted and at the same time, charged in thought, in this garage.  There was a lot of seat switching, my friends were around but they were all engaged in their own circles, or couples. Talking of old times.

I was listening to a conversation, the best I could in my tired state, about personal philosophies. This topic was a constant at these sorts of gatherings. Especially near the art school. Awful. I couldn't stand it and what made it worse was that I knew, inside, that I had participated in excited conversations about my views only 2-3 years before. In the same way. The same style even. That was really it, it was the style of sharing opinions they used that bothered me. so anxious to spit out their exciting new world views.I was guilty, aswell.

I turned my ears. I couldn't seem to get angry, in my tired state, but a little anxious. Uncomfortable. I looked over to my friend, who wrote, who was in the same way as I, in his tired state. He looked back, direct, to say he understood. We both looked off to find new topics to observe. 

First I chose the girl who never had anything to say. She was beautiful. Deep black eyes. Dead. She had nothing to say. I prodded her with a few words of my own and there was nearly no response. 

I turned my attention to the budding conversation of my close friend Berret and a girl he had slept with one new years. I was especially drunk on this  new years, (due partial to good company and more so to the open bar.) and spent it charging up and down the hill they lived on with fellow fools. The evening ended with a bout of vomiting with three acts. First was relief. Then hardship. Then desperation. This was a much different new years than Berret's. I don't suppose his was too much better. He sketched a similar vomit story, and we left so early the next morning, he couldn't possibly have said goodbye to the girl after. Yet here they were again, and chatting. None of the words made sense. I was lost into memories. My tired state craved to dream.

We all switched chairs.

I ditched mine.

The other tired fellow and I were upstairs having a long conversation about the past few months of his life, which had been fairly eventful and out of the ordinary. He had landed himself in a bit of trouble  by way of his love for heroine. Some spark ignited a fuse what led to his need to flee and he was off, taking with him a good friend of mine. This left a current project in a strange place. ( He was playing guitar for our group, this friend, not the one I was with, but rather the one who had escaped the states alongside the other tired fellow.) We talked about the hi-jinx and mishaps of his trip, England, then France, then back. Im not sure what the idea was at this point in my life.

I find a chair-

Back in the garage. Berret is now fully engaged in conversation with his new years bride. Im feeling especially tired and a little reflective. This sends me to feel sad and wonder what Im doing here. These gatherings had lost their meaning. There was no reason to be there. To strut or show something off. I can't say I had nothing to prove, but this certainly wasn't the forum. 

Sometimes the timing of certain events lend themselves to theological daydreams, of gods. Of 'Maybe some of this was planned!' 's. Silly thoughts, only generated out of admiration for the
pleasantness of them. My close friend, A girl, Penny, came up and fell into a chair beside me. She wasn't in our tired way, but she was down. She knew I was down and knew she was transparent as much as I was. We agreed on what we thought of where we were. We agreed on what the things had turned into, or always were. We wanted to go home.